Lonely mom

Day after day…I never sleep in, I change diapers, I try to have energy to make lunch and dinner. Laundry? Yeah right.

Day after day, my husband goes to work. Peace in his car. He’s able to go to the bathroom in peace. He’s able to eat in peace (when he has time from his busy day…I know). He’s able to have a different stress away from the stress at home of raising 2 kids.

Day after day, I try to get the energy to be productive and go out with the kids. If I don’t get out in the morning, it’s not going to happen in the afternoon. No energy.

Day after day, I wait for any visitors to give me a break. If not a break, maybe some interaction with another adult. Will a friend stop by? My mother? My MIL? My sister?

Motherhood can be so lonely, especially when you hear about how many new mothers have so much support. Where was my support? My support from my family?  Suffering from PPD all alone. Not even a sister to check in on me or anyone  to tell me that it would all be ok.

You hear often…don’t be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes you are in so deep in isolation that you don’t have the strength to verbalize your thoughts and feelings.

If I could do it all over again, I’d hire a night nurse. Expensive? Yes, but I’d go into debt just to have some support.

If I could do it again, I’d hire a high school student a couple of hours a week, just so I could just be.

If I could do it again, I’d not have any expectations that my mother or any family would help me in those early weeks.

The screaming and crying of my baby that would not stop. The bouncing up and down of my baby just so he could sleep. The bleeding nipples and scabs forming just so my baby could eat.  The lack of medical advice from doctors telling me that it’s all normal.  Filling out checklists about my mental state knowing that I was lying about how I was feeling, but desperately wanting someone to notice that I was not fine.

Slowly, I got through it with both of my babies, but I still have lingering anxiety and sadness for having a “rough” start. I wish I did get help. I justified it by saying that others have it worse, but everyone’s story matters.

Motherhood is hard and I never realized how lonely I’d be.  I’m sorry if anyone else feels like this, but if you do…please do talk to someone. I wish that I had a long time ago.


Building your child’s self-esteem

How do you build your child’s self-esteem when you are still trying to build your own?  You can research tips online or in books I’m sure, but this is a personal experience/struggle. I find that like many things…people who experienced self-esteem issues in childhood try to make an effort in preventing these issues with their own children or unfortunately follow the same pattern.  I am trying really hard to build the self-esteem of my children, yet disciplining them in a respectful way I guess you could say. I know that many people have their ideas on discipline, but I am just sharing my feelings/experience.  To really figure out your own issues takes a lot of courage and work.  Teaching your child that what you think about yourself and having confidence in yourself is most important.  I feel too many times we value too much what others think of us and that way of thinking can either make us feel positive or negative.

I had dinner tonight with a couple of coworkers. One is very pleasant to work with while the other has a very abrupt, pushy personality.  I probably reflect more on why people behave the way they than most people.  I wonder if hidden behind this aggressive personality is really a little insecure person. I wonder if this all stems from childhood which in most cases it does. Sometimes though you can have the “best” parenting and things just don’t turn out as you plan.

I guess we try our best as parents and hope for the best. How do you build your child’s self-esteem?

Going back to work…

A decision has been made. I’m going back to work after a couple of years “off.”  My emotions are mixed. Some excitment, some anxiety, some sadness, some happiness, etc. At least I have a plan now. That takes away some stress. As long as my kids are okay, I’m okay.

It’s a tough decision deciding what to do, especially those early years. As a mom, I hear a lot of different opinions and comments from family, friends, and strangers.

Some comments….

They are only little once

You make it work (if staying home)

oh…you’re going back to work

You don’t want other people raising your kids

how are you going to do it

you must be overwhelmed

good luck

Perhaps you are a single parent. I give a lot of credit and empathy if you are raising your children on your own.  That is tough, especially having to leave them to go to work and then be everything to them when you are home from work.  You may say that’s what a parent does and I say that is true, but in my eyes…you deserve an award. That is hard work.

It can be hard even having a spouse or partner living with you and your children, but who is not really present. Sometimes that can be worse than being alone. Someone who is not mentally present is very hurtful especially when it involves children.

Whatever your situation, deciding to go back to work can be a difficult decision. Maybe you have no choice and you have to work.  The grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it? You think that staying home would be this amazing experience or going to work outside of work is wonderful, but I believe everything is about your outlook.  The bottom line, no matter if we stay home or go to work…our kids will be okay.  Children of stay at home parents and working parents have turned out just fine. These are my observations. I haven’t done a personal study, but the point is…Life is too short to worry about everything and life can be dang hard. We have our breakdowns, but we try to keep going for our children…that’s how I feel.

I wish you all the best whether you are at home, working outside the home, or part-time.

Secret infertility

Are you one of those people? You know…the secretly infertile ones. Are you getting “treatment” without anyone knowing? Are you going to work and putting on a smile even when you hear of pregnancy announcements and wish it was you? Secretly infertile?

Is it shame? Privacy? Ego? Whatever the case…I was secretly infertile. I didn’t feel that is was anyones’s business how I got pregnant.  It was my little secret.

Some people share their journey because they want that support system and I think if that works for them…that’s great.  For me, it was more pressure. I don’t want the questions or comments.  It is more stressful for me.  I’m not ashamed.  I guess that I just am more private.

I feel blessed to have been one of the infertiles (not that I like labeling people or things).  I feel blessed because I feel that my love for my children is so deep and I never want to take their existence for granted. (Not to say if you are not that your love is not deep.) My husband and I worked very hard to get these babies and I do believe it is through God providing technology and miracles to make this happen.

Perhaps one day my secret will be shared when I am ready, but for now I wait to tell my children first before anyone else.  I know that there is no right or wrong and we all have our own views on different topics. This is my point of view.

Were you secretly infertile or going through something similar right now?

When you don’t have a village to raise your kids

I often hear it takes a village to raise kids, but what happens when you don’t have a village? The village is you and only you. The truth is…I have my husband that plays an active role in the needs of our children when he can, but he himself is overwhelmed. I have some support from him before work and after work, but being at home everyday makes me want to scream sometimes.

I have very high respect for single parents because even though I don’t have a village of support I have something. Sometimes it does feel like single parenting, but compared to others I have it good.

I just wanted to tell single parents that I acknowledge what you do and how hard it is to raise children on your own. You are amazing!  I know that you don’t need my acknowledgement, but for whatever it’s worth I think it takes a strong parent to do what you do.

I’m going back to work soon and my village will be daycare. I have no choice. I just have to make the time that I have with my children mean something. I wish I had family to help me out, but that is not an option for me.

So what do you do with no support or limited support? What do you tell yourself? How do you keep going?

I wish my blog had the answers, but maybe some of you parents out there can weigh in.

Stored embryos

Going through infertility isn’t easy.  It is a very emotional process.  You would think it ends after you have a successful pregnancy, but the mixed emotions are still there.  For me, the thought of having a sweet, little baby was always with me. I did whatever I could to conceive. I wanted to be the healthiest I could be so I had healthy eggs for IVF.  Through medication and prayer we ended up with several embryos.  Did we truly think about what we would do with our remaining embryos? I can’t say we honestly understood at the time what having remaining embryos would mean emotionally, religiously and financially. We know that like many couples, we had a longing to have our baby or babies.

I realize this is the risk you take when you use this method of getting pregnant. I am thankful that through God, we have this option. Some may argue, well…God obviously didn’t want you to have a child…why use technology? I have a different viewpoint though. God granted us children through this technology.  We can argue back and forth on this issue, but I’m not here to argue. I’m hear sharing what’s in my heart.

To me, my frozen embryos are my babies. I can’t just discard them. I’ve loved them before they even existed. Bringing children into the world and raising them is hard work. I wish there was a way to have all my frozen embryos, but I don’t know the quality of life that I would be able to provide for them as well as the children that I already brought into this world. I know I placed myself in this situation, but with this technology I have my two beautiful children and I am forever thankful.

To my embryos…I love you and care for you. I don’t know your future, but I know that I cannot just discard of you. You are special and will always be a part of me. I will always think of the possibility of you and love you forever.

Your very confused mama

*I share this post for myself, but also to all the parents who are in the same situation. I know how hard it can be.


Why I dislike pediatricians…(not all)

I recently had a visit to the pediatrician’s office.  Going there reminded me of why I hate going…

1.) Dumb questions to be answered on the spot…

okay…maybe they are not dumb questions, but if you are going to give me a 10 month questionnaire, can I take it home to answer? I don’t know if my baby can find a cheerio in a bottle. I don’t know all of my baby’s sounds. Can she move one object from one hand to another? Probably.  Am I a bad mom for not knowing the answer to all these questions?

2.) You make me feel stupid and crazy doc…

If I ask you if something is normal, then I’m probably concerned about it. Watch your tone when you respond to me doc. I’m a new parent and even if I had 5 kids, maybe this issue is new. I don’t need a doctor patronizing me.

3.) You really don’t treat my kid like your own…

if you did, I wouldn’t have had to change offices because you failed to refer me to a specialist for something that you should have caught. I understand people make mistakes, but when a parent brings up issues perhaps you should monitor the concern,

4.) I don’t trust you…

This goes with number 3.  I now question everything that you say.  We need to build a relationship again.

So…I know that there are wonderful pediatricians out there, so this is nothing against these doctors. This is my experience. That’s it. Any bad experiences with your pediatrician?