Lonely mom

Day after day…I never sleep in, I change diapers, I try to have energy to make lunch and dinner. Laundry? Yeah right.

Day after day, my husband goes to work. Peace in his car. He’s able to go to the bathroom in peace. He’s able to eat in peace (when he has time from his busy day…I know). He’s able to have a different stress away from the stress at home of raising 2 kids.

Day after day, I try to get the energy to be productive and go out with the kids. If I don’t get out in the morning, it’s not going to happen in the afternoon. No energy.

Day after day, I wait for any visitors to give me a break. If not a break, maybe some interaction with another adult. Will a friend stop by? My mother? My MIL? My sister?

Motherhood can be so lonely, especially when you hear about how many new mothers have so much support. Where was my support? My support from my family?  Suffering from PPD all alone. Not even a sister to check in on me or anyone  to tell me that it would all be ok.

You hear often…don’t be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes you are in so deep in isolation that you don’t have the strength to verbalize your thoughts and feelings.

If I could do it all over again, I’d hire a night nurse. Expensive? Yes, but I’d go into debt just to have some support.

If I could do it again, I’d hire a high school student a couple of hours a week, just so I could just be.

If I could do it again, I’d not have any expectations that my mother or any family would help me in those early weeks.

The screaming and crying of my baby that would not stop. The bouncing up and down of my baby just so he could sleep. The bleeding nipples and scabs forming just so my baby could eat.  The lack of medical advice from doctors telling me that it’s all normal.  Filling out checklists about my mental state knowing that I was lying about how I was feeling, but desperately wanting someone to notice that I was not fine.

Slowly, I got through it with both of my babies, but I still have lingering anxiety and sadness for having a “rough” start. I wish I did get help. I justified it by saying that others have it worse, but everyone’s story matters.

Motherhood is hard and I never realized how lonely I’d be.  I’m sorry if anyone else feels like this, but if you do…please do talk to someone. I wish that I had a long time ago.

 

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