Secret infertility

Are you one of those people? You know…the secretly infertile ones. Are you getting “treatment” without anyone knowing? Are you going to work and putting on a smile even when you hear of pregnancy announcements and wish it was you? Secretly infertile?

Is it shame? Privacy? Ego? Whatever the case…I was secretly infertile. I didn’t feel that is was anyones’s business how I got pregnant.  It was my little secret.

Some people share their journey because they want that support system and I think if that works for them…that’s great.  For me, it was more pressure. I don’t want the questions or comments.  It is more stressful for me.  I’m not ashamed.  I guess that I just am more private.

I feel blessed to have been one of the infertiles (not that I like labeling people or things).  I feel blessed because I feel that my love for my children is so deep and I never want to take their existence for granted. (Not to say if you are not that your love is not deep.) My husband and I worked very hard to get these babies and I do believe it is through God providing technology and miracles to make this happen.

Perhaps one day my secret will be shared when I am ready, but for now I wait to tell my children first before anyone else.  I know that there is no right or wrong and we all have our own views on different topics. This is my point of view.

Were you secretly infertile or going through something similar right now?

When you don’t have a village to raise your kids

I often hear it takes a village to raise kids, but what happens when you don’t have a village? The village is you and only you. The truth is…I have my husband that plays an active role in the needs of our children when he can, but he himself is overwhelmed. I have some support from him before work and after work, but being at home everyday makes me want to scream sometimes.

I have very high respect for single parents because even though I don’t have a village of support I have something. Sometimes it does feel like single parenting, but compared to others I have it good.

I just wanted to tell single parents that I acknowledge what you do and how hard it is to raise children on your own. You are amazing!  I know that you don’t need my acknowledgement, but for whatever it’s worth I think it takes a strong parent to do what you do.

I’m going back to work soon and my village will be daycare. I have no choice. I just have to make the time that I have with my children mean something. I wish I had family to help me out, but that is not an option for me.

So what do you do with no support or limited support? What do you tell yourself? How do you keep going?

I wish my blog had the answers, but maybe some of you parents out there can weigh in.

Stored embryos

Going through infertility isn’t easy.  It is a very emotional process.  You would think it ends after you have a successful pregnancy, but the mixed emotions are still there.  For me, the thought of having a sweet, little baby was always with me. I did whatever I could to conceive. I wanted to be the healthiest I could be so I had healthy eggs for IVF.  Through medication and prayer we ended up with several embryos.  Did we truly think about what we would do with our remaining embryos? I can’t say we honestly understood at the time what having remaining embryos would mean emotionally, religiously and financially. We know that like many couples, we had a longing to have our baby or babies.

I realize this is the risk you take when you use this method of getting pregnant. I am thankful that through God, we have this option. Some may argue, well…God obviously didn’t want you to have a child…why use technology? I have a different viewpoint though. God granted us children through this technology.  We can argue back and forth on this issue, but I’m not here to argue. I’m hear sharing what’s in my heart.

To me, my frozen embryos are my babies. I can’t just discard them. I’ve loved them before they even existed. Bringing children into the world and raising them is hard work. I wish there was a way to have all my frozen embryos, but I don’t know the quality of life that I would be able to provide for them as well as the children that I already brought into this world. I know I placed myself in this situation, but with this technology I have my two beautiful children and I am forever thankful.

To my embryos…I love you and care for you. I don’t know your future, but I know that I cannot just discard of you. You are special and will always be a part of me. I will always think of the possibility of you and love you forever.

Your very confused mama

*I share this post for myself, but also to all the parents who are in the same situation. I know how hard it can be.