I thought I was over my post partum depression, but it seems to be creeping up on me again. I felt that I really had it with my first baby and now with the second, I thought I was okay. You see, after longing for my sweet baby, I had a fantasy of what it was going to be like to have my baby. I didn’t realize that my baby was going to be fussy almost all the time. I didn’t realize that I would have to sleep train him or that almost everyone would give me “advice.” I didn’t realize the stress that having a baby would put on my marriage. I thought that I would have support from my family, but just the opposite happened. I’m not blaming anyone. This is just the way it happened. I felt and still do feel guilty that I’m having all these feelings. After all, I was the one that chose to have a baby by having an embryo physically put into me.
I remember seeing all the other moms who just seemed to have everything together and here I was a very unconfident, stressed, confused, and an exhausted mom with no support trying to make it through minute to minute. I’m sure there are other moms out there who feel like that, but many times you feel so alone.
Honestly, I feel like I’ve messed up. I feel like I’ve made so many mistakes with my first baby and am probably making more mistakes with my second. I love them so much, but I know I’ve done things wrong and one is only a toddler and another an infant. I know moms out there may want to say…there’s more to come. Honey, if you think you have messed up now…just wait.
I just feel that I went through so much to get pregnant that you would think that I would do better for my kids. I struggle with this and it depresses me.
I excessively worry about my children. I’m always worrying that maybe I will miss something. I am responsible for these children. I’m reaching the point of accepting that I will mess up…like most parents, but hope to have done the best that I could for these little blessings who I love dearly.