Taking it all in

I spent an extra amount of time holding my toddler during bedtime.  I imagined him back in my belly and remembered all the scans we did before he was born. I loved the anticipation of him. I miss that feeling and kind of feel guilty saying that. Of course I love my toddler boy and baby girl, but that anticipation of baby was so exciting…at least for me. Part of me feels sad that we did not have the birth experience that I imagined. We ended up with a c-section which in the end I was fine with, but I just wished it happened 20 hours earlier. I think about my baby boy being stuck so low for hours and feeling the stress my body was going through waiting for him to come out. Sometimes I think that’s why he cried a lot when he was born. It makes me sad. You see…I’ve waited for this baby for so long. Suffering with infertility like so many people is a process.  To want something so bad. After 13 months we were pregnant with our baby girl.  So blessed. Her birth was a different experience. I with I could redo things with both of them and they are only so little. All I could do is try my best.

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