Everyone’s story is different, yet we are all connected. Infertility…infertility. That word. Ugh! I remember going through it all. You may ask, am I truly infertile if I have 2 babies while others are still waiting for their babies? It was not an easy journey and I know that others may have a more difficult time, but for me it was very difficult. I feel everyone’s situation is different and there are a lot of factors that impact that journey. I know what it’s like to want to have a child more than anything in the world. It was so hard to hear about pregnancy announcements, especially at work. It was so hard to see those bellies growing and to go to baby showers. It wasn’t just difficult to experience these things, but to actually “act okay” even though inside of you, you are in so much emotional pain. I experienced all this and held onto hope. I also experienced these things in secret. Did my family know? Very little of my journey. My husband, my doctor, God and I only knew of the details. I chose this secret journey. This is how I wanted it at the time. The fact that I am even blogging about this is a big step. I went through artificial insemination and several ivf cycles and transfers along with a couple of polypectomies, not to mention chemical pregnancies. I know that other women may have gone through more and I never complained about my journey, but it was very difficult at the time. What is or what was your journey like?
I spent an extra amount of time holding my toddler during bedtime. I imagined him back in my belly and remembered all the scans we did before he was born. I loved the anticipation of him. I miss that feeling and kind of feel guilty saying that. Of course I love my toddler boy and baby girl, but that anticipation of baby was so exciting…at least for me. Part of me feels sad that we did not have the birth experience that I imagined. We ended up with a c-section which in the end I was fine with, but I just wished it happened 20 hours earlier. I think about my baby boy being stuck so low for hours and feeling the stress my body was going through waiting for him to come out. Sometimes I think that’s why he cried a lot when he was born. It makes me sad. You see…I’ve waited for this baby for so long. Suffering with infertility like so many people is a process. To want something so bad. After 13 months we were pregnant with our baby girl. So blessed. Her birth was a different experience. I with I could redo things with both of them and they are only so little. All I could do is try my best.
I hate having to make decisions. What am I doing to be productive during my maternity leave? Isn’t raising my kids enough?! I feel the need that I should be doing more. Perhaps because I am not sure that I want to return to my job and I feel that I need to find something to contribute to my family. I know I contribute by taking care of the children, but what about contributing financially? I go through my head the pros and cons of staying home as well as returning to work. I’m one that likes security and going to bed at night knowing we have 2 incomes is a relief, but I keep hearing the voices in my head from people telling me…these are the best years…don’t miss out, etc. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Thoughts?
Even though my initial thought was that my blog would be relatable to other mothers…I feel that perhaps it may be relatable to anyone with thoughts of the unknown…of life. Even the simplest things in life can be scary. We (I’m) always told to live in the present and I know I don’t always do that…well I actually don’t do that very often. My mind is always racing and I’m thinking about what I did in the past. I’m usually thinking about what I should have done differently in so many situations. For example, since I wrote about my son’s sleep in my past posts, I will focus on this topic. I know I could have done things differently and maybe we would have had a different experience. Now I think about the future and how I fear the mistakes that I will make with him and my daughter. Sleep is just part of it. What if I change who they were meant to be? Will I discipline them “correctly?” Will I love them too much? Too little? The future is unknown and that gives me anxiety. I’m still working on my journey of living in the present.